Do You Really Mean It ?

Honesty is a cornerstone of human communication and interpersonal trust. The statement, “When you ask me a question, if I can’t give you an honest answer that you don’t want to hear, then you can’t trust me to honestly answer a question by telling you what you do want to hear,” highlights the paradox of selective truth-telling. Let’s consider the psychological and ethical implications of honesty in communication, emphasizing how withholding unwelcome truths undermines trust and distorts authentic relationships.

Trust is built upon consistent honesty, even when the truth is uncomfortable. According to Rotenberg (2019), interpersonal trust depends on the expectation that others will act with reliability, emotional support, and honesty. When individuals choose to conceal or distort information to avoid discomfort, they compromise this expectation. Research in communication studies shows that deception—even when intended to protect feelings—erodes relational trust over time (Levine, 2014).

Moreover, honesty is not merely about factual accuracy but about transparency in intent. If one only provides answers that align with what the listener wants to hear, communication becomes manipulative rather than authentic. This aligns with Bok’s (1999) ethical framework, which argues that lying—even benevolent lying—creates a slippery slope that weakens moral responsibility and interpersonal credibility.

Psychological research suggests that people often avoid delivering unwelcome truths due to fear of conflict or rejection (Vrij, 2008). However, studies on authenticity demonstrate that individuals who communicate openly, even when uncomfortable, foster stronger and more resilient relationships (Kernis & Goldman, 2006). The willingness to share difficult truths signals respect for the other person’s capacity to handle reality, thereby reinforcing mutual trust.

Furthermore, selective honesty can create cognitive dissonance. Festinger’s (1957) theory explains that when individuals act inconsistently with their values—such as valuing honesty but practicing selective truth-telling—they experience psychological discomfort. Over time, this dissonance can erode self-concept and relational integrity.

Thus, as I repeatedly have emphasized in my blog posts and books (e.g., McCusker, 2025), context is critical. Delivering truths that others may not want to hear requires careful consideration of the proper time, place, and person. As Knapp, Vangelisti, and Caughlin (2014) note, interpersonal communication is most effective when it accounts for situational appropriateness and relational dynamics. 

To maximize the chances of supportive and constructive dialogue, several strategies can be applied—First, timing: Choose a moment when the listener is most receptive, avoiding times of heightened stress or distraction. Research on conflict resolution emphasizes that poorly timed disclosures often escalate tension rather than resolve it (Deutsch, Coleman, & Marcus, 2011). Second, setting: Select a private and safe environment, particularly when the truth may be emotionally difficult. Public settings can amplify embarrassment or defensiveness, reducing the likelihood of constructive engagement. Third, audience: Consider whether you are the right person to deliver the truth. In clinical or educational contexts, trusted professionals or mentors may be better positioned to communicate sensitive information (Rogers, 1957). Fourth, wording: Frame the truth in language that is clear but compassionate. Using “I” statements and avoiding accusatory phrasing reduces defensiveness and promotes understanding (Gordon, 2000). Fifth, prosody and nonverbal cues: Tone of voice, pacing, and facial expressions significantly influence how messages are received. Supportive prosody conveys empathy and respect, increasing the likelihood of effective communication (Burgoon, Guerrero, & Floyd, 2016). Finally, follow-up support: Difficult truths should be accompanied by reassurance, resources, or constructive next steps. This transforms honesty from a blunt disclosure into a supportive act of care. By integrating these strategies, honesty becomes not only a moral imperative but also a skillful practice that strengthens trust while minimizing harm.

The ethical dimension of honesty in communication is critical. Trust cannot be compartmentalized into “truths we want to hear” and “truths we do not want to hear.” As Habermas (1984) argued in his theory of communicative action, genuine dialogue requires openness and sincerity. Without these, communication can degrade into strategic manipulation rather than mutual understanding. In short, the statement under consideration underscores a profound truth: honesty must be consistent to be trustworthy. If one cannot be relied upon to deliver unwelcome truths, then their willingness to provide welcome truths becomes suspect. 

Psychological research confirms that honesty, even when uncomfortable, strengthens trust, authenticity, and ethical responsibility in communication. Yet, context remains vital—choosing the right time, place, person, and manner of delivery ensures that honesty is not only truthful but also supportive. Ultimately, the integrity of dialogue depends not on selective truth-telling but on the courage to speak honestly in all circumstances, with sensitivity to context.

References

Bok, S. (1999). Lying: Moral choice in public and private life. Vintage.

Burgoon, J. K., Guerrero, L. K., & Floyd, K. (2016). Nonverbal communication. Routledge.

Deutsch, M., Coleman, P. T., & Marcus, E. C. (2011). The handbook of conflict resolution: Theory and practice (2nd ed.). Jossey-Bass.

Festinger, L. (1957). A theory of cognitive dissonance. Stanford University Press.

Gordon, T. (2000). Parent effectiveness training: The proven program for raising responsible children. Three Rivers Press.

Habermas, J. (1984). The theory of communicative action: Reason and the rationalization of society (Vol. 1). Beacon Press.

Kernis, M. H., & Goldman, B. M. (2006). A multicomponent conceptualization of authenticity: Advances and directions in self research. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 283–357. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(06)38006-9

Knapp, M. L., Vangelisti, A. L., & Caughlin, J. P. (2014). Interpersonal communication and human relationships (7th ed.). Pearson.

Levine, T. R. (2014). Truth-default theory (TDT): A theory of human deception and deception detection. Journal of Language and Social Psychology, 33(4), 378–392. https://doi.org/10.1177/0261927X14535916

McCusker, P. J. (2025). Weaponized Communication: Improvised Explosive Devices. New York: Amazon.

Rogers, C. R. (1957). The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21(2), 95–103. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0045357

Rotenberg, K. J. (2019). The psychology of trust. Routledge.

Vrij, A. (2008). Detecting lies and deceit: Pitfalls and opportunities. Wiley.