Unrequited Interpersonal Relationships

Jim Tomkins loved Anne with a passion reserved for the steamiest Hollywood motion picture.  She was the woman of his dreams who intruded into his thoughts night and day.   He could imagine himself with no one else, and hoped one day to meet her in person.      

You might question the depth of Jim’s devotion to actress Anne Hathaway, a woman whom he never met, but Gayle S. Stever would not.  You see, Stever has spent 27 years studying unrequited love between fans and celebrities.  Jim's fanciful infatuation raises an interesting question: Can our irrational preoccupation with superstars and unattainable others undermine our opportunities for authentic, reciprocated real-life relationships?

Stever (2017) wondered whether there is something in our evolutionary nature rendering us vulnerable to imaginary, dead-end relationships with high profile mass media celebrities.  He suggested that these "parasocial relationships" are attractive because the afflicted person derives feelings of safe haven and security from the fancied interactions with the object of his/her affection. 

The explanation proffered by Gale Stever is that human beings have evolved to experience comfort from familiar faces and voices.  He reasoned that familiarity breeds attraction.  Psychological science has known for decades (Zajonc, 1968) that even a single previous, relatively emotionally neutral experience with someone biases us to like them better at the next meeting - "the mere exposure effect."  So, it is reasonable to conclude that all else being equal, we are inclined to like celebrities who come to us not once and not with the usual complement of human foibles, but repeatedly and in pristine condition.

In most situations, affection for celebrities is harmless.  However, Stever claims that 15% to 20% of celebrity devotees virtually "worship" their favorite stars.  That propensity can cause the extreme worshiper to be dissatisfied with real-life human interactions, undermining his/her access to authentic interpersonal satisfactions.

Although Gale Stever focused on persons consumed with unattainable celebrities, it is reasonable to imagine a different type of harmful parasocial relationship - a relationship with a real person who nevertheless is unattainable to us.  The person could be one who is so deeply attached to someone else that we intuitively know that we have no chance to satisfy our desire to become close to them.  Or, it could be someone whom we correctly understand would never find us attractive.  If you believe in the depth of your heart that the parasocial person truly is beyond your reach, but you continue to cling to and obsess about a relationship with them, you of course will suffer.  Worse would be a situation wherein you not only suffer, but obsesses so about the unreachable parasocial person that you also squander your daily opportunities to establish and maintain relationships with real, accessible people who truly want to be with you.

Parasocial relationships with every day, rather than celebrity, persons lie at the root of much interpersonal turmoil.  For instance, you might unconsciously compare your spouse or lover with the parasocial person of your dreams, and reject your spouse or lover.  The authentic relationship that you have is never enough, so you are always looking for someone else.  In that case, the problem is not so much with your spouse or lover, but with your inability to recognize and cope with your own debilitating, self-defeating feelings and thoughts.  Rather than turning inward to deal with your real-life interpersonal failure, you direct your attention outward to a fanciful relationship, attempting to bolster your self-esteem by finding someone who fits your excessively high standard of attractiveness.

Although we all aspire to find our ideal "soul mates," we, ourselves, are not ideal.  Whether you seek perfect love or perfect companionship, when you strike out with the superlative object of your affection, you would do well to pursue someone who offers you a real opportunity to create a genuine reciprocally satisfying relationship.  Don't waste your precious time on parasocial stars in Hollywood or in the neighborhood..       

References

Stever, Gayle S. (2017).  Evolutionary theory and reactions to mass media: Understanding parasocial attachment.  Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 6, 2, 95-102. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/ppm0000116

Zajonc, Robert B. (1968). Attitudinal effects of mere exposure.  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 9 2, 1–27