Two Kinds of Conversationalists (and Why They Might Misread
Each Other)
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and, after
fifteen or twenty minutes, realized that you know a great deal about the other
person—but they know almost nothing about you? Or have you experienced the
opposite? You have spent considerable time telling someone about yourself, your
experiences, your opinions, your family, your problems, and your
accomplishments, only to realize that you have learned very little about the
person sitting across from you.
These are not simply differences in conversational
style (McCusker, P.J. (2004, 2023). Psychology has identified
meaningful differences in the way people approach interpersonal conversation,
particularly in how they handle self-disclosure. Some people are
naturally oriented toward eliciting information from other people . They
ask questions. They listen. They encourage. They pursue an interesting answer
with another question. Their conversational attention is directed
outward. Other people are naturally oriented toward providing
information about themselves. They volunteer experiences, opinions,
feelings, memories, accomplishments, disappointments, and stories
The Question-Asker
In 1983, psychologists Lynn Miller, John Berg, and Richard
Archer created the “Opener Scale” to measure how well people get others to
share personal things. Their study of 740 undergraduates found that this is a
real, measurable trait. An “opener” isn’t someone who talks a lot. It’s someone
who gets others to talk. Later research by Colvin and Longueuil
supported this.
Openers ask things like “What was that like?” or “What
happened next?” This matters because talking well isn’t the same as conversing
well. A quiet person who makes you feel heard can be a better conversationalist
than a polished speaker.
Research by Karen Huang and colleagues backs this up: people
who ask more questions, especially follow-up questions, are better
liked. Compare:
- “Where
did you grow up?” “Pittsburgh.” “Are you married?” (moves on)
- “Where
did you grow up?” “Pittsburgh.” “What was it like growing up there?”
(follows the thread)
The second shows you were actually listening.
Question-asking makes people feel understood and cared about, which is why they
like you more.
The Storyteller
The other type volunteers personal information unasked: “I
had a terrible experience with my doctor,” or “When I was in the Marines...”
This is called self-disclosure: sharing personal things others wouldn’t
know. Early researcher Sidney Jourard helped show that this kind of openness is
central to closeness.
Storytellers aren’t necessarily selfish. They often see
sharing as an invitation: “I told you something personal, so now you do the
same.” This follows the reciprocity principle. According to Altman and
Taylor’s social penetration theory, relationships deepen as people trade
increasingly personal information, moving from safe topics (where you live,
what you do) to fears, failures, and hopes.
The Mismatch
Picture an opener and a storyteller meeting. The opener asks
question after question, and the storyteller answers with story after story.
Twenty minutes later, the opener thinks, “I did all the asking. They never
asked about me.” The storyteller thinks, “I shared so much. Why won’t they
share anything?”
Each is being reciprocal in their own way: one through
questions, the other through disclosure. They just don’t recognize each other’s
version.
Sharing Builds Closeness
A major review by Nancy Collins and Lynn Miller found that:
- People
who share more intimate details tend to be better liked.
- People
share more with those they already like.
- Sharing
with someone can make you like them more.
So both styles can work. But sharing alone isn’t enough.
Responsiveness Is the Key
Laurenceau, Barrett, and Pietromonaco found that intimacy
comes from both people sharing and from feeling that the other person is
responsive, meaning they respond to what you actually said. If you say
you were scared, they don’t change the subject. If you share something you’re
proud of, they don’t turn it into a story about their own achievement. They
also found that sharing feelings builds closeness more than sharing
facts. Knowing what happened to someone isn’t the same as knowing them.
Closeness grows when you understand what it meant to them.
Compare two Italy conversations. In one, each person just
tops the other (“I’ve been to Italy three times!”), and it becomes a contest of
who talks about themselves more. In the other, someone asks, “What was the best
part?” then “What did you like about Rome?” then “Was it what you expected?”
That conversation explores the experience and creates much more connection.
The Pitfalls of Each Style
Question-askers can make a conversation feel like an
interrogation. If you ask twenty questions and reveal nothing, the other person
may wonder if you’re just very curious or very private. Eventually, “the door
has to swing both ways.”
Storytellers can accidentally dominate. If every
comment sparks another “That reminds me of...” the other person never gets to
be known. Sharing without responding to the other person is just talking, not
connecting.
What Good Conversationalists Do
The best ones move between both roles: ask, listen, follow
up, share something related, then invite the other person to respond. This
isn’t a strict 50/50 split of speaking time. It’s a natural rhythm of knowing
when to listen, tell, ask, or answer.
A Question for Yourself
Next time you meet someone, ask: Am I trying to discover
this person or reveal myself? If you always ask questions, try sharing
something. If you always tell stories, try asking, “What about you?” Also
notice what you do when someone shares something personal. Do you ask a
follow-up, acknowledge their feelings, or redirect to yourself?
The Bottom Line
The goal isn’t equal talking time. It’s responsiveness:
noticing what the other person gives you, treating it as important, and
offering something back. There are people who say “Tell me about you” and
people who say “Let me tell you about me.” The skilled conversationalist learns
a third approach: “Tell me about you. I’ll tell you about me. And I’ll pay
attention to what you say.” That’s the difference between having a
conversation and building a relationship.
References
Altman, I., & Taylor, D. A. (1973). Social
penetration: The development of interpersonal relationships. Holt, Rinehart
and Winston.
Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., &
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procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology
Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377.
Collins, N. L., & Miller, L. C. (1994). Self-disclosure
and liking: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 116(3),
457–475.
Colvin, C. R., & Longueuil, D. (2001). Eliciting
self-disclosure: The personality and behavioral correlates of the Opener Scale.
Journal of Research in Personality, 35(2), 238–246.
Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J., &
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Jourard, S. M. (1958). A study of self-disclosure. Scientific
American, 198(5), 77–82.
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McCusker, P.J. (2004). Conversation: Striving, Surviving,
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McCusker, P.J. (2023). Questioning & Answering: How,
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Miller, L. C., Berg, J. H., & Archer, R. L. (1983).
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Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an
interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of personal relationships
(pp. 367–389). Wiley.
Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Huang, K., Minson, J., &
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